Updated: Apr 19
There’s so much to say and I’m so unsure of how to say it and if I should even say it. But going through a constant identity crisis is not fun at all. Always wondering where you belong, if you fit here, and do they actually want you here, puts a great deal of pressure on a person. The last full year of my life has been an ugly uphill battle. I have been through it all and then some. I am very surprised my head is still above water, but you can’t always run away from your problems. You have to keep going. I have been truly unable to tell myself to keep going sometimes. I’m not thinking of doing something harmful, but I have constantly thought of getting away. Starting anew and fresh. Finding a place where I belong.
But the question comes up of, where do I belong?
The places I have lived always felt kind of shaky. As soon as I would get comfortable and make it feel like home, something would happen which caused me to say I can’t be here. I don’t belong. There’s not enough stability. Per usual I have reached that place again, but I am stuck. I have to finish out where I am now, to go to a new place of where I want to be.
My dad always told me if you have a consistent problem in your life no matter where you go, then you may be the cause of the problem. This is due to being the common denominator. So am I problematic? No not this time. Things just happen sometimes. People tell me I can stay, they tell me I belong, but there actions are so loud and different. Little things always happen which show me the true feelings people had. Whether it be in life or death I always see how the people really feel.
Even though it may sadden or anger some people, I still have not found “home” yet.
There’s only been one place in this whole world where I was for a long time and did not want to leave. Australia. There was not a moment in the 21 days I was there where I felt I was home sick. My home sickness, if it even existed, only lasted about 20 minutes because new adventures awaited me that I wanted to enjoy. The people, the cultures, the languages, all of it immersed me and made me feel whole. I felt like a complete person while I was there. If I cried, I cried tears of joy and happiness because I was conquering fears while I was there and learning about people’s cultural history.
The Aboriginal people accepted me. Baptized me in their river and welcomed me into their home. The children loved me. They wanted to play games with me, play in my hair, and laugh at how my cleavage was showing.
Everything about Australia had me completely smitten. I had fallen in love with a country and I felt as though I was home. I was immersed in all of the culture there and I honestly did not want to leave. I highly considered losing my passport and getting citizenship in Australia. To this day I still think about getting dual citizenship there just so I can move freely to my favorite place.
The unfortunate thing is I cannot pick up and move to the one place that felt like home. So now I am stuck trying to figure out where “home” actually is for me. I cannot get comfortable, until I find it.
*Taps red sparkly shoes together three times*
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home…