Updated: Apr 19
I seem to never get a quite good read on people. Sometimes they seem as though they will be there for a lifetime. Other times they fall very short. The people I have not been able to deal very well with are those who consistently try to call others out for not being there for them. My problem with them is they are barely there for you, but they complain about how you treat them. How can you be upset with someone for not being there for you when you have not been there for them?
Often times, we get so caught up in our own lives we neglect to check up on others. Those people I referred to earlier, usually only get in contact with you to talk about themselves and their problems because they want you to be there for them only. No reciprocity. There are times however, where you need to step back and take some time to yourself. Self care is very important but often forgotten in society today. I have typically been the type of person who puts everything and everyone ahead of myself. So much so, I would fall behind.
I have had to take a break from school from being so sick. Even after getting a beautiful semester long break, I continued the same awful habits I had before when I came back. It is not easy breaking from old habits. But it is necessary.
For the past three weeks I have found myself hunched over the toilet releasing everything I have in me. It has not been fun. It has made it really hard for me to do well in school, which sucks because for the first time in a long time, I’m killing it (in a good way). All I wanted to do was come here and focus on myself, then finish. This is something I wanted to do for me. Graduating and obtaining my degree is important for my future. The feeling of accomplishment from graduating would be amazing as well. I have consistently gotten distracted from my main mission. From taking on all of my friends issues as my personal ones, to holding information I cannot tell, to making sure I do a presentation on time…I was making myself sick.
I have been stressed plenty of times, but never in my life have I seen myself get physically sick from stress. Usually when I get stressed, I’ll just stay in bed after I do everything I’m supposed to binge watching some Netflix. But this time it is me not being able to get out of bed because I feel like I’m going to hurl. It was awful and besides the nurses and “doctor” at my school’s health services, the only other person who took care of me and made sure I was okay was my boyfriend. The people who I had put myself on the line for, bent over backwards for had gone. Some people felt the need to step back to find better ways to be there for me, while others were upset for me not being there for them.
The last two years of my life, I have to say I was barely there for myself. Some of the same people I had always been there for, were barely there for me. After constantly being there for others I decided it was time I was there for myself. It hurt me to the core how I put myself on the back burner to tend to others. It did not and does not even matter that some of them did not reciprocate the same actions I may have put forth. What mattered was I was hurting myself. Mentally, emotionally, physically I was broken. To some degree I do not think I am fully put together, but I am working on it.
It takes time to fix yourself up especially after such a fall. I cannot even to begin to put into words what the last two years of my life have been like. This past Thursday it was beginning to take a dark turn for the worse then my family came in the clutch saying everything I needed to hear without even knowing. I try not to talk entirely too much about my personal life which is ironic because I have put a great deal on here. But to sum up how I feel about this past weekend, I cannot wait to start my future with the one I love. Him and his family are the epitome of love and care. I believe I have finally come to a good spot with a great person and a great background. It makes me excited for life. I feel happiness so pure most of the time all I want to do is cry. For too long I have let the dark clouds consume me, but I think I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Life is this beautiful, wonderful, dark, bright, twisted journey we take. There are people here in your life for the long run and there are people there for a moment. Regardless of what people may say or think, you need to continue you on with your life. The number one thing I’ve probably learned through all of this is it is most important to be there for yourself than anyone else. Another thing I learned is “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Yeah, it is simple and the golden rule, but some people still forget to do it. They are not there for you, then expect you to bend over backwards for them. Meanwhile you are bent over a toilet sick from carrying yours and their weight. No. Not healthy. The greatest thing I learned is, take time to yourself. Always evaluate your life. Be sure the people you are giving to are worth your love.
Self care is truly important. Do not let your love for others trump your love for yourself.
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